Instant Messaging Etiquette

Follow our ten tips for proper IM manners.

Frank Thorsberg

E-mail and chat rooms offer computer users a lot of online connections, but when it comes down to right here and right now, instant messaging delivers the goods.

"I love IM," says Noe Spaemme, an online etiquette expert at Etiquette Hell. "Electronic messaging is so incredible. I've been an IM junkie for the longest time, and many business people use it. But it's the kids, I think, who are using it most."

Take California seventh-grader Emily McKeown, for example. She fell in love with instant messaging when she got her own computer about a year ago.

"Being far away and being able to talk like you're right there, that's cool," McKeown says. "E-mail is an easy way of sending letters. Instant messaging is a new way to telephone."

But the IM dance can get complicated, especially when everybody wants to chat at the same time.

"When you're talking to seven people at once, it can be hard to keep up," says McKeown. "It's hard to type fast, yet I know a lot of people who will try to talk to 14 people simultaneously."

Lauren Stein, an executive with a national public relations agency, uses IM mostly for business communications when she needs quick information from a client or wants to reach a reporter or editor.

"[Instant messaging] shouldn't be the main form of communication, but use it for what works," Stein says. "Make sure you get to the point quickly. It's a great way to manage time and to get a quick turnaround on something."

To keep your IMs in order, read on for our list of instant messaging do's and don'ts.

Knock Before You Enter

Inquire if the other party can instant message. Start out with something like, "Hi, can you chat?" Or, "Are you available?" IMs are great for finding out if someone is reachable.

"Some people like to use IM to ask if they can call," says etiquette expert Noe Spaemme. "That way, if someone is in your office, or you're busy, you can say it's not a good time and you'll call back in 20 minutes."

If your buddies say they're busy, respect their decision and try again another time. Remember to practice what you preach. If you're too busy to take an instant message, just say so. Your friends will respect you for it and, hopefully, return the favor.

Be Brief

Think short. Instant messages aren't meant to be long-winded. Don't write an essay when a couple of words will do the job. Besides, IM programs limit the amount of text you can plug in. AOL Instant Messenger, for example, has a limit of 512 characters (79 words) per message.

If you keep bumping up against the word limit, switch to e-mail or pick up the phone. Instant messages are like postcards, minus the postage. A thought or two, at the most, is all you should be sending at once.

Watch What You Write

Don't write anything in an IM that you wouldn't write in an e-mail or a typed letter. Whatever you say in instant messages can be saved and sent around. You've got no control over that. So don't assume that once your IM leaves your computer screen, it's gone. If you wouldn't want to see your words on a postcard or a billboard, don't put them in an instant message.

Keep It Casual

Instant messages are not replacements for serious, face-to-face communications. Don't use instant messages to be confrontational. For example, IMs are not the place to break up with a boyfriend, criticize a colleague, or reprimand an employee. Doing so is being chicken and makes for bad politics--especially at work.

Go Easy on the Jargon

Don't overuse acronyms or abbreviations. BRB (be right back) and LOL (laugh out loud) may seem right at home in some chat room conversations, where everybody is operating on the same wavelength. But if you're having an instant message exchange with your Great-Aunt Betty, better stick to the Queen's English.

Express Yourself

Consider use of emoticons--you know, like the smiley face symbol :)-- where appropriate. An IM is a short message without a lot of context, so you can use these little symbols to emphasize your intentions. Emoticons are part of every IM program, and they're especially useful if you say something tongue-in-cheek or if you're being sarcastic. Remember, the person receiving the message can't see you roll your eyes or stifle a giggle, but the right emoticon is a great tip-off to your true meaning.

For more on acronyms and emoticons, check out LOL :)-- A Guide to Internet Lingo and Emoticons.

Avoid Sloppy Writing

IMs are meant to be casual, but it's a real turn-off when messages are full of typos. It's not an SAT test, but you want people to understand you. It may help to slow down and think a little before typing. Don't be haughty, either. It's not your job to criticize someone else's typing, unless it's really horrible. Remember, you're using an IM to communicate. If you're not communicating, what's the point?

One Step at a Time

Be careful with multi-tasking. Carrying on more than one IM conversation, or a phone conversation and an IM session, at the same time can tax your communication skills. Something is going to suffer in that situation. Better to do one or two things well than three or four poorly.

Use "Away" Message Alerts

Instant messaging programs have a built-in "busy" or "away" feature. Use it like an electronic sticky note to tell your buddies when you're going to be out of touch. The default message simply says, "I am away from my computer right now." Why not get creative, and more informative, by composing a message that fits the moment? "Sorry, I can't talk now. I'm doing research for a story about instant messaging. Back in an hour."

Hide-and-Seek

Don't use the instant messaging program to spy on your friends by going online under a secret screen name. If you're going to be online but don't want to IM with your friends, you can always use your away message to tell the world you're busy. And if anyone abuses the privilege of instant messaging you, there's a way to stop them dead in their online tracks--use the ignore button.

The ignore button is a built-in feature that allows users to block communications from anyone they choose. Press the button and bam, your IM door is closed to the offending party. AIM users can block people from sending them instant messages by editing their privacy preferences. For example, you can allow only certain people to contact you, or block certain users from contacting you.